*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.