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I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My flabber has been gasted.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes