Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*