Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

I think this should do it.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Glasses

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.