Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
me: my friends:
This a good idea
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.