Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣