Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.