Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I hope Alan is OK
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
The answer is funnier than the question
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?