Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
This meal prepping shit is easy
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG