Lil Brain – Out of Leads
You Might Also Like
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’