Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

😏😏😏

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before