Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

But that’s none of my business

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper