Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

*sewing*

A thread

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”