Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
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I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit