Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’