Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

how to market bottled water to dads

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭