Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done