Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”