[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.