Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
In case you needed to hear it:
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Eating for two.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™