Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
🤣😂🤣
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.