Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.