Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Good morning
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.