*limbos away from your hug*
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I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?