*limbos away from your hug*
You Might Also Like
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
This forever.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.