*limbos under the caution tape
You Might Also Like
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Venn
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face