*limbos under the caution tape
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an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.