*limbos under the caution tape
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This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.