Limited budget
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Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk