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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
But I really needed water water water
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.