Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

beware of dog

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.