Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.