Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

Driving in Europe vs Canada

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

Got ya covered

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.