Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.