*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
You Might Also Like
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier