*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Remember folks 😂
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
…u ok Nintendo?