*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
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I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins