LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.


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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.


[sex-ed lesson]
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”


If you love someone…
Bury them in your backyard so no one can find them. Then you’ll have them FOREVER!

*looks out window & smiles*


Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little


Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.


Why are you so pissed?

You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…


[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.


Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon


Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”