Me: *breaks down door
Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?
M: HOME INVASION!
W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.
LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.
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Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That’s why the other countries are winning.
if i was a bird i’d just ride around on other birds
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.
[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[looking at pics]
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?