@Audenary

LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.

TWITTER: No.

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@jergarl

Me: *breaks down door

Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?

M: HOME INVASION!

W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.

M: Soooooo

W: No

@sixfootcandy

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

@jumpdashark

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

@KevinFarzad

Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That’s why the other countries are winning.

@izrigrod

if i was a bird i’d just ride around on other birds

@stephenjmolloy

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

@Quartzjixler

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

@scot4bz

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

@LuvPug

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

@withanewname

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?