When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.
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now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”
If you love someone…
Bury them in your backyard so no one can find them. Then you’ll have them FOREVER!
*looks out window & smiles*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Why are you so pissed?
You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”