Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
You Might Also Like
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My therapist after every session
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I’m a bad influence on myself.
