Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
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I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I have so many questions.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
be safe out there!
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.