Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber