“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
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DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
*offers Batman cough drops*
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away