Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
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A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
dude it’s called proctologist
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.