Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
english majors be like furthermore
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO