Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
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*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.