Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
You Might Also Like
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
There is wisdom there.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.