Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
The cashier just checked me out.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Siri: Retweet me.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t