[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
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Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’m sorry…what?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”