“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
*gets down on one knee*
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
He has no idea 🤡
