Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
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Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I have so many questions.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke