Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
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if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving