Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

when a toddler tells a story

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*