Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

With a text.