[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
You Might Also Like
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
reduce, reuse, recycle
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
This was my dad’s browser history.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .