Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
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I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
He wanted to make sure😂
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.