Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

Me My dog

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

I think I’ll stand

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.