Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?