Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
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Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
me opening up to someone