Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Leftovers are for quitters!

i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.