LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.