Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY