Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected