LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
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older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.