LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
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Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.