LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
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I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?