Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still cracks me up

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

Botany good plants lately?

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

found a horse’s reddit account

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit