LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
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I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way