Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

Hmmmmm

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

Rich people don’t understand cereal

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

perfect

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party