LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
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I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline