LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors