Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to