LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
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[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.