Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.