linkedin the good parts
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me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
You know…for fall…
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Word!
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba