linkedin the good parts
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The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Best table by far
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I need this for my side hustle.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake