linkedin the good parts
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Autocorrect is my menesis
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.